[And with that, she doesn't reply via journal. If he'd absolutely wanted to be alone, he wouldn't have written to her to begin with. She gets up and off her own bed and makes her way toward his room, that heaviness still in her chest.] Harry? [Closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath and pushes the door open and steps further into the room, barefoot. Her eyes are slightly bloodshot.]
[The room is dark, and Harry is siting on the edge of the bed with the journal discarded to the side, but he is staring at the floor. He knew when she'd asked where he was that she would show up.
But he doesn't look up when she enters.]
I know.
He deserves to know. Anyone should get to know if that's what they want. [Slides a hand over his face.]
I wouldn't want to keep the truth from them. [Even if knowing the truth makes no difference.]
[Harry still doesn't look even as she steps further into the room.]
Would it have been worse?
If he didn't know.
[If she didn't know.
Sometimes he can feel the weight of knowing in her as well, see it in the way she carries herself. And he wishes he hadn't said anything about the year she didn't live.
Harry closes his eyes bu shakes his head in answer to the question, feeling something sharp and painful in his chest.]
[No one ever deserves that sort of fate, but maybe it might make him examine the choices he made in the first place.]
He's here now. What happens to him from here on is not written in stone.
[She quickly wipes at her eye and rests her head on his shoulder.]
You didn't.
... Life is rather like a box of chocolates, isn't it? [Words Hermione Granger would never utter, save for the fact he asked her when they were allowed to see a movie together.]
You didn't ask for it but you faced everything sent your way. You're a great wizard, Harry. I've always thought so.
[Harry hopes that it won't turn out that way again, and there are enough factors that are different now. It would be rather difficult for it to.]
I know. This city isn't such a horrible alternative all the time.
[He closes his eyes when he feels her head against his shoulder.
And there's a bit of a smile at the question though its marred by something nearly bitter.] Yeah, suppose so. I'd really prefer the actual chocolate sometimes.
Thank you, Hermione. I know you have. [Harry rests his arm across her back, pulling her close. It's her faith in him that's helped so often.] You're absolutely brilliant yourself. Saved my life countless times.
Stayed with me. [Nearly until the end, and he has no doubts she would have taken that walk with him to Voldemort. If he'd let her.]
I hope so. I believe so. I felt a difference in our latest conversations.
[Hermione is not the delusional sort, but she also does want to believe the best in people.
No one should've had that end, and knowing so--it might change things.]
We could always go get some chocolate. [The faintest of smiles quirks up her own mouth.] I believe there's some in the kitchen.
[Hermione will always have faith in Harry Potter, whether he has that faith in himself or not. That's all but fact, the way the sky is up and the grass is green.]
As long as there's choice, Harry, I will always stay. [She moves closer and tightens her hold.] You aren't getting rid of me, I'm afraid.
[Harry will hope as well, because he doesn't wish that on him and he is sorry for how it turned out though he isn't so irrational that he feels guilt for finding out the truth, which is what lead to what happened to him.
He hopes he has better luck here. There's no telling if he ever regained any of his memories.]
You're absolutely right, Hermione. [Though he doesn't feel like moving from his bed at all.] I think someone keeps a stash of it somewhere.
[Harry glances at her finally when she speaks.] I absolutely would never want to get rid of you, Hermione. You're the best friend that I've ever had. [And Ron isn't here to be jealous about that or to worry about hurting his feelings, but it's true. She stayed. She stayed that year and so many other times.
There's the slightest of pauses as he looks forward again, something else gnawing at him and his chest feels as though it's an explosion of pain.]
Hermione, it's still... a part of me. [The horcrux. What he is. It's something he thinks about more frequently than he acknowledges, never out loud, rarely to himself. But it's true.
It always has been true so it shouldn't make a difference that he knows about it now. And yet. And yet.]
[Have some chocolate and everything is magically better, like fairy dust.]
And you're mine, Harry. You always will be.
...I don't regret asking, you know. I don't regret knowing what happens, even if I never lived it. [If only because it means it's not a burden he has to strictly share alone.]
Harry...
[Hermione watches him carefully. As friends, she's always aware of him and his reactions, noting them for what they are, since Harry doesn't always say what he is thinking.
There is always a lot more going on.]
I think a part of me always knew.
[Deep down, she hadn't wanted to know but she did. Harry and the horcrux. The thought of him having to live with that for the rest of his life--and equally as horrifying, the thought of what it would take so that he didn't--
Hermione swallows something painful at the back of her throat, blinking back tears.]
It would be nice, wouldn't? It seemed to be Professor Lupin's solution.
[For every dementor attack, there would be chocolate. It helped but it never fixed anything either.]
I think that's something, isn't it? All the unexpected chocolate, I always knew there was that.
[It reassures him more than he can put to words that she says it, and he looks over at her.] Really? [And then he nods, something twisting around in his chest.] That's good to know. I didn't want to-- I didn't want to give you something that would just hurt
[He didn't want to be responsible for giving her more pain.
And he closes his eyes at the sound of his name, swallowing back what feels like sickness and fire rising from his chest into his throat.]
I thought you might have.
I started really understanding it at the end, the visions, being able to speak to snakes, every time a horcrux was destroyed, I felt it too. It hurt me too. So now there's just this... dark thing inside of me.
[And won't that make a difference at some point? Does that--
It's something he thinks about a lot, but he remembers how poisonous those other horcruxes were to people, to good people.]
Chocolate and ice cream make some people feel better when they're upset. It comforts them the way it is a comfort to me to be surrounded something as familiar as books. The way it is for you when you're flying.
[But sometimes, not all the chocolates and the books and the sky in the world can help, no.
And she knows it.]
There's much more than that, Harry.
[She glances over at him, almost as if knowing he needed the reassurance. There is so much he takes on as his own fault.] Really. You didn't think I wasn't aware that what you might tell me might be awful? I chose to ask anyway. If I regret anything at all, it's that I made you relive something so painful by telling me.
[Her face crumples when he closes his eyes, but she schools it back into something of a calmer expression once he's opened them again.]
Without V-Voldemort here it might not be necessary at all, might not make a difference. [And if there's not...]
There must be another way.
We've accomplished much more than many would've thought possible. There must be a way to destroy it without--
[She cuts herself off.
Hermione honestly can't finish the thought.] We can figure it out together.
Yes, that is absolutely true, and I do like chocolate.
Not nearly as much as I like flying, but there are far worst things to eat. I wouldn't mind a glass of Butterbeer for that matter.
[It had that warm taste, and it was comforting in its familiarity, in its sweetness, and it would remind him of home.
Even if it wouldn't fix anything, it can help.]
I know, Hermione.
[And he does. He knows there's more than her friendship in all of it, and there's what's inside of him, and there's countless of numbers of people that have loved and cared and believed.] No, I thought you might be aware, but it's difficult to be prepared for how... awful. [Harry shakes his head.] It helps that I'm not the only one who knows.
[It does. It really does.
Harry looks at her, and her expression is calmer but he reads what's under it.]
You didn't see what those horcruxes-- well, you did. The diary was one of them. The watch had Ron leaving, angry and jealous. [There's so much darkness within a horcrux.
He doesn't know how it's not reached over from him to others. He's grateful it hasn't, but there's a part of him waiting for it to do just that.]
There likely is, and we have time now to figure it out.
[There's no deadline set by Voldemort. Harry wraps his arms around her, hugging her tight again, not wanting to linger on it for the moment when they have other things to contend with.
Maybe someone else will know something or if they all work it out, he doesn't-- he just doesn't want that darkness to pour out of him on to others, within himself.
Knowing about the horcrux, it answers questions but it brings up so many other questions that they can't answer. It hurts, and it's confusing to want to protect people from something that's a part of him, from wanting to shut down a part of himself that isn't his.] We can.
Thank you, Hermione. [He rubs a hand over his face under his glasses.] Maybe we ought to get some of that chocolate after all.
[There's another smile there, and she looks over at him as he mentioned Butterbeer.] Wouldn't mind lots of things, now that I think about it.
But... [A pause. It almost tastes like betrayal in her tongue to say.] I use to miss it all more intensely than I do now.
That's probably terrible, isn't it?
[Will she someday just forget to remember? Forget to miss things? The thought is alarming, much as she knows the world goes on. There are always things and people she will miss.
There's a crumpled picture she kept in her bag of her parents, the only one she let herself keep with herself in it, and in the rarest of moments, she lets herself think of them.
Her Mum and her Dad.]
You aren't the only one who should have to carry this, Harry. If I'd gotten to the entry before you had, I would have told him nearly word for word what you did.
I wanted to know. I don't regret knowing.
[As much as it broke her heart and it still does.
It still does. There's a pause there, as Harry had admitted to her Ron left, but not why.] Oh.
[She says it softly, lowering her gaze momentarily, wondering if there should be more she should say, and choosing not to. A lot of things with her and Harry aren't spoken but simply understood.]
It's strange to think about. We have time now.
[Hermione blinks back tears and the small noise that wants to stumble out of her throat. She wraps her arms around him instead, half-burying her face in his neck.
She will likely go to the library once more, search through every inch of it, along with all her belongings, her own and the other Hermione's, and more to find something.
Thank you, Hermione. Hermione wants to scream and she wants to cry and she ends up doing neither. She isn't sure if she wants a thank you, either, as she feels she's done absolutely nothing.
Feels as if she can't fix it, even if logically she knows it's not something to be fixed.]
All right, Harry. [It's said quietly, but when she stands, she tugs him up, too.]
It's the same for me, but that all feels... very far away.
[And he pauses, hesitates almost as she speaks again, but he shakes his head as if he can sense how much of a betrayal it feels like to her when it isn't.
It isn't at all.] No, it isn't. It's not terrible, Hermione.
I believe that happens to everyone, Hermione. If you miss someone or something as intensely as you do that first day you lose it, you would never... be able to live again.
You will always miss them, all of it. It'll always be a part of you too.
[It's not so much forgetting to miss them but living. Harry understand the fear though, and he keeps an arm around her.
But once Dumbledore pulled him away from a mirror, and the memory comes to him now.] Dumbledore once told me that... It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. They're dreams of what we can't have any longer, and... to not sit in front of a mirror aching for what has been taken isn't us choosing to lose them further.
[Hey, even Harry Potter has some wisdom now and then, some of it seeped over to him from what he's learned.]
Alright. [There's a small nod, because he knows that she's always wanted to help him carry so much and there's always been so much to carry.] I can tell you don't regret knowing, much as I know... it hurt you to hear.
[And it hurt him to do the telling, to have to hurt her with it.
And he hesitates a bit at her Oh. Hadn't realized that had slipped out at all. It's nothing said no and he doesn't know that he has words to say anything more about it, but it is... it's understood.]
We do. We have... the time.
[Harry hugs her tightly, swallowing back the emotion threatening to well up in his throat. He closes his eyes tightly, shoving it all away. There's so much.
There's always so much of it, and he doesn't let himself question whether or not this horcrux makes it unsafe for her to be so close. Years. It's been in him since he was a baby.
He pushes it all back, looking up at her when she stands and allowing her to help him to his feet.]
It doesn't fix anything but it helps us feel better. [At least for a little while.]
It does, doesn't it? It's no longer in either of our grasps.
[No matter how much they tried to reach for it. The way they thought life would be.] If someone had told me we'd both be living in a Tower in America, I wouldn't have believed them in the slightest.
[Hermione likely wouldn't believe anything they tried telling her, though.
She is still sore about Dinivation, ahem. But she can still scarcely believe it as it is.]
Of course. You're right, Harry, that was a stupid thing to say. ... I suppose I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, really.
[Everyone deals with the grief and he's been dealing for it longer.
This isn't something she has experience in the way he does.
Loss.
Starting with his parents. Hermione braves looking up at him, older than she ever used to be, and listens. It feels very much like that time she asked--knowing the answer--if everything would change. They were on the brink of something and she could feel it, like she feels it now.
Harry came to her, placed a hand on her shoulder, and said yes.
Yes, it would.]
He did always have a way with words, didn't he? [Someone else that they've had to bury, and there's a small ache in her heart, pride, too.]
We wouldn't want his words to go to waste. There's always a lesson to be learned.
And there are always new dreams, Harry.
[Sometimes you have to place others, impossible dreams, into a drawer, along with the dreams that as a child seemed possible but weren't, really.
Harry does have his moments, yes, and Hermione smiles slightly at the reminder. There's sadness and not, in her expression. At once.]
It was too important. More important than what hurt it may cause. [To not know, to not ask. It hurt, and it always will, but less and less as time goes on.
Something about that isn't comforting, for some reason. She senses his hesitation and she's not sure she has the words, either. Hermione only hugs him back, her chin on his shoulder, and it's understood.]
It's been a long night, Harry. For all of us. We can think about fixing things tomorrow. [She looks after him as she opens the door, and the smile is small but genuine.]
I'll admit that I wouldn't have believed it either. Here I thought to learn to expect the unexpected, but this was a little much.
[It would have seemed impossible. Beyond impossible. Everything else had been related to magic, but Rifts were something else.
Other universes? No one had mentioned those. They weren't in any books either, Harry is certain of that or Hermione would have mentioned it after falling through.]
No, it wasn't a stupid thing to say. It was how you felt, Hermione. It isn't stupid to feel any certain way.
They're feelings, and that's-- it would feel like that. You can't help how you feel, but feelings aren't always true.
[Grief and loss has been one of those themes of his life. He would likely be an angel of death in a verse where wanderers fall through and become an angel or demon.
Harry looks back at her when she looks up at him, and there's a part of him that feels as though they are back there. For all her logic, sometimes it is important to hear the actual words said out loud by someone who she loves.
Despite already knowing the answers.
He can do that for her. He would want to. She frequently gives him the answers when he doesn't have them at all and believes in him when he can't believe in himself.]
Yes, he always did have the words, and he had a way of saying them too. They didn't always make sense to me at first, but... [Harry shakes his head a bit, and there's an ache as well and something else.] I'd been so angry at him that year that we were travelling.
There was so much about him that I didn't know. I began to feel like maybe I didn't know him at all. Speaking of stupid feelings... [Harry says with a small smile, aware that he just said there aren't emotions that are stupid. So he doesn't seriously mean that it is stupid.]
Dumbledore had a way of teaching them or reinforcing the lessons to be learned in what we went through.
His words won't go to waste. I'll find-- we'll find new dreams, and we're together.
[It's the most important thing to him, that they're together.
Harry smiles back at her, in turn, reading the sadness but not.]
It did feel better, as much as it hurt. It would have been difficult to never share it with you. [They'd been through so much, and she was with him every step of the way, through all of that.
He wouldn't know how it would be for there to be so much that she didn't know.]
Yes, it has been. [His hand slides over his face under his glasses as he gets to his feet and reaches her side. Harry smiles over at her as they start out the door.]
Chocolate and a movie? [the smile widens just slightly.] Hermione, it nearly sounds like we're practically normal.
[But there will definitely be a movie as well.
And for tonight, for tonight, maybe they are a bit normal and it's wonderful.]
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no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 05:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 05:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 05:35 am (UTC)Harry... he wanted to know.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 05:54 am (UTC)But he doesn't look up when she enters.]
I know.
He deserves to know. Anyone should get to know if that's what they want. [Slides a hand over his face.]
I wouldn't want to keep the truth from them. [Even if knowing the truth makes no difference.]
no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 06:10 am (UTC)Sometimes, she swears she can actually see the weight of it all on his shoulders.]
Even if the knowledge hurts, sometimes not knowing feels like it would be worse, whether it makes a difference or not.
[She finally steps further in, sitting at the edge of the bed beside him.
Hermione swallows thickly.]
... Are you all right, Harry?
no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 06:28 am (UTC)Would it have been worse?
If he didn't know.
[If she didn't know.
Sometimes he can feel the weight of knowing in her as well, see it in the way she carries herself. And he wishes he hadn't said anything about the year she didn't live.
Harry closes his eyes bu shakes his head in answer to the question, feeling something sharp and painful in his chest.]
I didn't... want... any of this.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-08 07:17 am (UTC)[No one ever deserves that sort of fate, but maybe it might make him examine the choices he made in the first place.]
He's here now. What happens to him from here on is not written in stone.
[She quickly wipes at her eye and rests her head on his shoulder.]
You didn't.
... Life is rather like a box of chocolates, isn't it? [Words Hermione Granger would never utter, save for the fact he asked her when they were allowed to see a movie together.]
You didn't ask for it but you faced everything sent your way. You're a great wizard, Harry. I've always thought so.
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Date: 2011-08-08 10:58 pm (UTC)[Harry hopes that it won't turn out that way again, and there are enough factors that are different now. It would be rather difficult for it to.]
I know. This city isn't such a horrible alternative all the time.
[He closes his eyes when he feels her head against his shoulder.
And there's a bit of a smile at the question though its marred by something nearly bitter.] Yeah, suppose so. I'd really prefer the actual chocolate sometimes.
Thank you, Hermione. I know you have. [Harry rests his arm across her back, pulling her close. It's her faith in him that's helped so often.] You're absolutely brilliant yourself. Saved my life countless times.
Stayed with me. [Nearly until the end, and he has no doubts she would have taken that walk with him to Voldemort. If he'd let her.]
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Date: 2011-08-09 01:10 am (UTC)[Hermione is not the delusional sort, but she also does want to believe the best in people.
No one should've had that end, and knowing so--it might change things.]
We could always go get some chocolate. [The faintest of smiles quirks up her own mouth.] I believe there's some in the kitchen.
[Hermione will always have faith in Harry Potter, whether he has that faith in himself or not. That's all but fact, the way the sky is up and the grass is green.]
As long as there's choice, Harry, I will always stay. [She moves closer and tightens her hold.] You aren't getting rid of me, I'm afraid.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-09 08:56 am (UTC)[Harry will hope as well, because he doesn't wish that on him and he is sorry for how it turned out though he isn't so irrational that he feels guilt for finding out the truth, which is what lead to what happened to him.
He hopes he has better luck here. There's no telling if he ever regained any of his memories.]
You're absolutely right, Hermione. [Though he doesn't feel like moving from his bed at all.] I think someone keeps a stash of it somewhere.
[Harry glances at her finally when she speaks.] I absolutely would never want to get rid of you, Hermione. You're the best friend that I've ever had. [And Ron isn't here to be jealous about that or to worry about hurting his feelings, but it's true. She stayed. She stayed that year and so many other times.
There's the slightest of pauses as he looks forward again, something else gnawing at him and his chest feels as though it's an explosion of pain.]
Hermione, it's still... a part of me. [The horcrux. What he is. It's something he thinks about more frequently than he acknowledges, never out loud, rarely to himself. But it's true.
It always has been true so it shouldn't make a difference that he knows about it now. And yet. And yet.]
no subject
Date: 2011-08-10 02:14 am (UTC)[Have some chocolate and everything is magically better, like fairy dust.]
And you're mine, Harry. You always will be.
...I don't regret asking, you know. I don't regret knowing what happens, even if I never lived it. [If only because it means it's not a burden he has to strictly share alone.]
Harry...
[Hermione watches him carefully. As friends, she's always aware of him and his reactions, noting them for what they are, since Harry doesn't always say what he is thinking.
There is always a lot more going on.]
I think a part of me always knew.
[Deep down, she hadn't wanted to know but she did. Harry and the horcrux. The thought of him having to live with that for the rest of his life--and equally as horrifying, the thought of what it would take so that he didn't--
Hermione swallows something painful at the back of her throat, blinking back tears.]
no subject
Date: 2011-08-10 04:09 am (UTC)[For every dementor attack, there would be chocolate. It helped but it never fixed anything either.]
I think that's something, isn't it? All the unexpected chocolate, I always knew there was that.
[It reassures him more than he can put to words that she says it, and he looks over at her.] Really? [And then he nods, something twisting around in his chest.] That's good to know. I didn't want to-- I didn't want to give you something that would just hurt
[He didn't want to be responsible for giving her more pain.
And he closes his eyes at the sound of his name, swallowing back what feels like sickness and fire rising from his chest into his throat.]
I thought you might have.
I started really understanding it at the end, the visions, being able to speak to snakes, every time a horcrux was destroyed, I felt it too. It hurt me too. So now there's just this... dark thing inside of me.
[And won't that make a difference at some point? Does that--
It's something he thinks about a lot, but he remembers how poisonous those other horcruxes were to people, to good people.]
no subject
Date: 2011-08-10 06:29 am (UTC)Chocolate and ice cream make some people feel better when they're upset. It comforts them the way it is a comfort to me to be surrounded something as familiar as books. The way it is for you when you're flying.
[But sometimes, not all the chocolates and the books and the sky in the world can help, no.
And she knows it.]
There's much more than that, Harry.
[She glances over at him, almost as if knowing he needed the reassurance. There is so much he takes on as his own fault.] Really. You didn't think I wasn't aware that what you might tell me might be awful? I chose to ask anyway. If I regret anything at all, it's that I made you relive something so painful by telling me.
[Her face crumples when he closes his eyes, but she schools it back into something of a calmer expression once he's opened them again.]
Without V-Voldemort here it might not be necessary at all, might not make a difference. [And if there's not...]
There must be another way.
We've accomplished much more than many would've thought possible. There must be a way to destroy it without--
[She cuts herself off.
Hermione honestly can't finish the thought.] We can figure it out together.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-10 08:22 am (UTC)Not nearly as much as I like flying, but there are far worst things to eat. I wouldn't mind a glass of Butterbeer for that matter.
[It had that warm taste, and it was comforting in its familiarity, in its sweetness, and it would remind him of home.
Even if it wouldn't fix anything, it can help.]
I know, Hermione.
[And he does. He knows there's more than her friendship in all of it, and there's what's inside of him, and there's countless of numbers of people that have loved and cared and believed.] No, I thought you might be aware, but it's difficult to be prepared for how... awful. [Harry shakes his head.] It helps that I'm not the only one who knows.
[It does. It really does.
Harry looks at her, and her expression is calmer but he reads what's under it.]
You didn't see what those horcruxes-- well, you did. The diary was one of them. The watch had Ron leaving, angry and jealous. [There's so much darkness within a horcrux.
He doesn't know how it's not reached over from him to others. He's grateful it hasn't, but there's a part of him waiting for it to do just that.]
There likely is, and we have time now to figure it out.
[There's no deadline set by Voldemort. Harry wraps his arms around her, hugging her tight again, not wanting to linger on it for the moment when they have other things to contend with.
Maybe someone else will know something or if they all work it out, he doesn't-- he just doesn't want that darkness to pour out of him on to others, within himself.
Knowing about the horcrux, it answers questions but it brings up so many other questions that they can't answer. It hurts, and it's confusing to want to protect people from something that's a part of him, from wanting to shut down a part of himself that isn't his.] We can.
Thank you, Hermione. [He rubs a hand over his face under his glasses.] Maybe we ought to get some of that chocolate after all.
no subject
Date: 2011-08-10 09:51 am (UTC)[There's another smile there, and she looks over at him as he mentioned Butterbeer.] Wouldn't mind lots of things, now that I think about it.
But... [A pause. It almost tastes like betrayal in her tongue to say.] I use to miss it all more intensely than I do now.
That's probably terrible, isn't it?
[Will she someday just forget to remember? Forget to miss things? The thought is alarming, much as she knows the world goes on. There are always things and people she will miss.
There's a crumpled picture she kept in her bag of her parents, the only one she let herself keep with herself in it, and in the rarest of moments, she lets herself think of them.
Her Mum and her Dad.]
You aren't the only one who should have to carry this, Harry. If I'd gotten to the entry before you had, I would have told him nearly word for word what you did.
I wanted to know. I don't regret knowing.
[As much as it broke her heart and it still does.
It still does. There's a pause there, as Harry had admitted to her Ron left, but not why.] Oh.
[She says it softly, lowering her gaze momentarily, wondering if there should be more she should say, and choosing not to. A lot of things with her and Harry aren't spoken but simply understood.]
It's strange to think about. We have time now.
[Hermione blinks back tears and the small noise that wants to stumble out of her throat. She wraps her arms around him instead, half-burying her face in his neck.
She will likely go to the library once more, search through every inch of it, along with all her belongings, her own and the other Hermione's, and more to find something.
Thank you, Hermione. Hermione wants to scream and she wants to cry and she ends up doing neither. She isn't sure if she wants a thank you, either, as she feels she's done absolutely nothing.
Feels as if she can't fix it, even if logically she knows it's not something to be fixed.]
All right, Harry. [It's said quietly, but when she stands, she tugs him up, too.]
no subject
Date: 2011-08-11 03:38 am (UTC)[And he pauses, hesitates almost as she speaks again, but he shakes his head as if he can sense how much of a betrayal it feels like to her when it isn't.
It isn't at all.] No, it isn't. It's not terrible, Hermione.
I believe that happens to everyone, Hermione. If you miss someone or something as intensely as you do that first day you lose it, you would never... be able to live again.
You will always miss them, all of it. It'll always be a part of you too.
[It's not so much forgetting to miss them but living. Harry understand the fear though, and he keeps an arm around her.
But once Dumbledore pulled him away from a mirror, and the memory comes to him now.] Dumbledore once told me that... It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. They're dreams of what we can't have any longer, and... to not sit in front of a mirror aching for what has been taken isn't us choosing to lose them further.
[Hey, even Harry Potter has some wisdom now and then, some of it seeped over to him from what he's learned.]
Alright. [There's a small nod, because he knows that she's always wanted to help him carry so much and there's always been so much to carry.] I can tell you don't regret knowing, much as I know... it hurt you to hear.
[And it hurt him to do the telling, to have to hurt her with it.
And he hesitates a bit at her Oh. Hadn't realized that had slipped out at all. It's nothing said no and he doesn't know that he has words to say anything more about it, but it is... it's understood.]
We do. We have... the time.
[Harry hugs her tightly, swallowing back the emotion threatening to well up in his throat. He closes his eyes tightly, shoving it all away. There's so much.
There's always so much of it, and he doesn't let himself question whether or not this horcrux makes it unsafe for her to be so close. Years. It's been in him since he was a baby.
He pushes it all back, looking up at her when she stands and allowing her to help him to his feet.]
It doesn't fix anything but it helps us feel better. [At least for a little while.]
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Date: 2011-08-11 05:40 am (UTC)[No matter how much they tried to reach for it. The way they thought life would be.] If someone had told me we'd both be living in a Tower in America, I wouldn't have believed them in the slightest.
[Hermione likely wouldn't believe anything they tried telling her, though.
She is still sore about Dinivation, ahem. But she can still scarcely believe it as it is.]
Of course. You're right, Harry, that was a stupid thing to say. ... I suppose I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, really.
[Everyone deals with the grief and he's been dealing for it longer.
This isn't something she has experience in the way he does.
Loss.
Starting with his parents. Hermione braves looking up at him, older than she ever used to be, and listens. It feels very much like that time she asked--knowing the answer--if everything would change. They were on the brink of something and she could feel it, like she feels it now.
Harry came to her, placed a hand on her shoulder, and said yes.
Yes, it would.]
He did always have a way with words, didn't he? [Someone else that they've had to bury, and there's a small ache in her heart, pride, too.]
We wouldn't want his words to go to waste. There's always a lesson to be learned.
And there are always new dreams, Harry.
[Sometimes you have to place others, impossible dreams, into a drawer, along with the dreams that as a child seemed possible but weren't, really.
Harry does have his moments, yes, and Hermione smiles slightly at the reminder. There's sadness and not, in her expression. At once.]
It was too important. More important than what hurt it may cause. [To not know, to not ask. It hurt, and it always will, but less and less as time goes on.
Something about that isn't comforting, for some reason. She senses his hesitation and she's not sure she has the words, either. Hermione only hugs him back, her chin on his shoulder, and it's understood.]
It's been a long night, Harry. For all of us. We can think about fixing things tomorrow. [She looks after him as she opens the door, and the smile is small but genuine.]
Perhaps we can also watch a movie.
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Date: 2011-08-11 07:14 am (UTC)[It would have seemed impossible. Beyond impossible. Everything else had been related to magic, but Rifts were something else.
Other universes? No one had mentioned those. They weren't in any books either, Harry is certain of that or Hermione would have mentioned it after falling through.]
No, it wasn't a stupid thing to say. It was how you felt, Hermione. It isn't stupid to feel any certain way.
They're feelings, and that's-- it would feel like that. You can't help how you feel, but feelings aren't always true.
[Grief and loss has been one of those themes of his life. He would likely be an angel of death in a verse where wanderers fall through and become an angel or demon.
Harry looks back at her when she looks up at him, and there's a part of him that feels as though they are back there. For all her logic, sometimes it is important to hear the actual words said out loud by someone who she loves.
Despite already knowing the answers.
He can do that for her. He would want to. She frequently gives him the answers when he doesn't have them at all and believes in him when he can't believe in himself.]
Yes, he always did have the words, and he had a way of saying them too. They didn't always make sense to me at first, but... [Harry shakes his head a bit, and there's an ache as well and something else.] I'd been so angry at him that year that we were travelling.
There was so much about him that I didn't know. I began to feel like maybe I didn't know him at all. Speaking of stupid feelings... [Harry says with a small smile, aware that he just said there aren't emotions that are stupid. So he doesn't seriously mean that it is stupid.]
Dumbledore had a way of teaching them or reinforcing the lessons to be learned in what we went through.
His words won't go to waste. I'll find-- we'll find new dreams, and we're together.
[It's the most important thing to him, that they're together.
Harry smiles back at her, in turn, reading the sadness but not.]
It did feel better, as much as it hurt. It would have been difficult to never share it with you. [They'd been through so much, and she was with him every step of the way, through all of that.
He wouldn't know how it would be for there to be so much that she didn't know.]
Yes, it has been. [His hand slides over his face under his glasses as he gets to his feet and reaches her side. Harry smiles over at her as they start out the door.]
Chocolate and a movie? [the smile widens just slightly.] Hermione, it nearly sounds like we're practically normal.
[But there will definitely be a movie as well.
And for tonight, for tonight, maybe they are a bit normal and it's wonderful.]